home

I’m officially home! After gallivanting around the world for the past 11 months, I recognize I did a poor job of communicating my whereabouts for the second half of my trip. It so quickly turned into a blur and I’m now finding myself at home, wondering where the time went. I’ve been home for about two months now and I’ve spent some of that time reflecting and processing my experience. This is what I’ve come to realize:

God recked me. I’m in awe of Him. I’m now living proof that the person of Jesus Christ radically removes hearts of stone and replaces them with hearts of flesh. I have come to be a lover of truth, and not only that, the truth has set me free. I now personally know God the Father as my provider, my protector, and my deliverer. He is the source of all good things, and I believe that in my heart. I know that a life with only Jesus is beyond enough. I am never going back and I will never be the same. This year marked me. I want to spend the rest of my life allowing the love of God to heal the broken parts of me, I want to sit at his feet, I want Him to keep shifting my eyes towards his face, and I want to follow Him into eternity.

This past year was so good, words could never say enough. I’ve seen so many people from different cultures come to Jesus. I’ve witnessed my friends die to their old selves and be transformed into new people. I’ve seen glimpses into the spiritual realm. I’ve personally been moved by the transforming love of God. I have found my calling, and that is to follow Jesus for the rest of my life. But, currently that’s looking different than I thought it would in this season.

To be real with you, coming home has been a hard transition. Things have not gone the way I envisioned. If the World Race wasn’t “stripping” enough, coming home has been quite the fire of refinement lol. I was met with a lot of disappointment and frustration. I just spent a whole year enjoying the presence of God, walking in insatiable hunger for his word, and the joy of the Lord was overflowing in my life, but since I’ve been home, I’ve felt discouraged and unsatisfied.

Long story short, I was originally hoping to go back out with the World Race to be a squad leader for the next squad. Every part of my heart was screaming yes. I really can’t even explain to you how much I wanted to go back out on the field again. It was a burning desire in my heart. Unfortunately, a lot of my old health issues have been resurfacing and at times, my symptoms are debilitating. I felt a huge tension in my spirit because I felt like the Lord was asking me to stay home for a season of rest. And now here I am, at home in a season of rest. Yeah, I don’t wanna rest lol.

This whole chronic illness thing has messed me up quite a bit, if I’m going to be honest. At times I feel like I’m mentally and emotionally holding on by just a thread. I’m tired of trying to find answers. I’m tired of researching. I’m tired of finding doctors that I can’t afford. I’m tired of receiving hope that gets taken away. I’m tired of fighting for peace in my mind. I’m tired of feeling sick every day. And I’m just tired of feeling tired. It often feels like a nightmare I can’t wake up from.

Too many times have I felt unable to go on and yet I’m continuously met with a generous gift of endurance that somehow keeps giving. The more I think about it, the more I realize how supernatural true endurance is. The only source that offers true endurance is Jesus Christ, and that’s because he endured. When I have nothing left to give, one look at Jesus is enough to keep me going another day. As much as I want this trial to end and to never touch me again, I truly have been able to see the power of Jesus giving me strength to keep pressing on. I have been reading in Hebrews for a while now and Hebrews 12:1-4 has become a resting place for me.

“Therefore since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the Race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfected of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured from sinners such hostility against himself, so that you may not grow weary or faint hearted. In your struggle against sin you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood.”

So the question I’ve come to ask myself is, “Is Jesus still the greatest treasure of my life, even in the midst of the most relentless battles of pain and disappointment?”

My answer is absolutely yes.

He’s showing me what it looks like to lament and then praise his name, even still. Glory to Glory.